Over the years as a leading Authority, I made countless articles many of which can be found on this site.
I have received many requests to recommend some of the best books on setting boundaries with parents. In response, I'm pleased to offer my expert recommendations in this article.
I will recommend you best books on setting boundaries with parents in this post, which are based on my in-depth study and testing in this field. Such as Understanding the Borderline Mothe, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, Where to Draw the Line, Children of the Self-Absorbed, Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed, Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents, and Healthy Boundaries.
These aren't just books on boundaries with parents. Below, you'll find 10 books with detailed descriptions of each of these outstanding resources, helping you make well-informed decisions in your boundaries with parents book journey."
Below is the list of the best books on boundaries with parents that will help you create boundaries with older or difficult parents.
10 Books About Setting Boundaries With Parents
Set boundaries with children & teach children to set boundaries
Children set boundaries with their parents, which helps develop an independent personality. Only by setting reasonable boundaries for their children can parents better protect their children and establish a sense of security.
As children grow up, their minds continue to mature, so parents need to continue to set appropriate boundaries for their children.
At the same time, children are more sensitive than we think, and their understanding of the world is also immature.
Therefore, children are not suitable to be the confidants of their parents, nor do they need to know in detail everything that happens to their parents.
Even if the child looks mature, it is important to keep the childlike innocence of his age, which is of great benefit to the child's growth.
How to Set Boundaries with Parents?
Children first learn to set boundaries by learning from their parents or observing their parents' reactions. Some of the children's requests are most likely a small step in trying to raise boundaries.
Children will judge whether boundaries can be set by adults' responses and remember how parents make them feel.
Therefore, when raising children and guiding children to set boundaries, you should pay attention to:
- Allow children to express their feelings,
- Give reasonable feedback to children’s requests,
Even if children are still young, they have their own psychological boundaries and should be respected.
Children are not suitable for adults to talk to, and they have no way to solve adult problems.
Share appropriately with your children according to their age.
Below I recommend 10 Books About Setting Boundaries With Parents.
1. Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson
"Understanding the Borderline Mother: This book is suitable for ordinary people to understand the parent-child relationship.
Although the mainstream media often say how much parents love their children, there are indeed some parents who are unable to love their children, such as borderline parents and parents in a state of depression.
Love is the ability to give a sense of security, how can you give others a sense of security when you are in a panic?
Borderline means that the mental state of the patient is between psychosis and neurosis. Psychopaths have no reality-testing ability, while neurotic patients have good jobs, self-care abilities, self-reflection abilities, and interpersonal relationships, but they have inner conflicts and many problems. Unpleasant feeling.
The borderline type is in between. Although they do not lose their minds, they are very unstable and their emotions change very quickly.
Children of borderline parents often feel that their parents are inconsistent and confusing when they grow up, so they are at a loss and difficult to understand Parents and the world, like a small boat floating on the sea in a storm, cannot be anchored without a lighthouse, feeling fragmented.
Because of the experience of being abandoned, borderline parents will be extremely afraid of being abandoned again, so they will desperately control their children.
The internal rules of the family are vague and rigid and sometimes threaten to abandon their children to achieve their own control. They will also have inexplicable anxiety, and it is difficult to see the child for real, but live in their own world.
Although the book specifically describes four types of borderline mothers: wanderer, recluse, queen, and witch, they all have the above characteristics.
If you feel that your relationship with your parents makes you miserable, you can read this book to learn how to Save yourself and maintain your own psychological space.
2. Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
"Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: The book lists many characteristics of immature parents, such as self-centeredness, emotional coercion, meanness, and even abuse of children.
After reading the whole book, I feel that my parents are not particularly immature but rather have a strong desire for control, and the excessive desire for control is not self-centered, but they feel from the bottom of their hearts that they are thinking about their children.
It may be out of the fear of the child going the wrong way, thinking that the child has the little social experience, and has a very serious thought of "crossing the bridge to eat rice".
The second is that not only our parents, our partners, and even ourselves are immature. When we judge a person's maturity, we are usually expressing a feeling, but this book has helped me recognize specific behaviors that are outward signs of immaturity.
For example, imposing one's own wishes on others and not caring about other people's feelings. PUA in some relationships and in the workplace is actually a manifestation of the immaturity of the controller.
The third is that some of the methods mentioned in the book can be used for reference, but they need to be localized in combination with Chinese-style family relationships.
Because China is a society that pays special attention to filial piety, parents will not only coerce emotionally but also kidnap them morally. Disobedience to the wishes of parents will be labeled as "unfilial", which is a very serious "crime".
Therefore, even if many children become adults, they cannot truly mature and cannot have self-will. Because they feel that it is against morality to have a bad relationship with their parents.
A kind, sensitive, and flattering person always expects to have a harmonious social relationship and hates interpersonal conflicts and conflicts.
Fourth, the goal of fighting against immature parents is to change every current interaction, free yourself from parental control, and let your inner self come alive.
As for whether the parent-child relationship can be improved, it is not the goal of confrontation. That said, accepting the fact that your relationship with your parents may never be perfect.
3. Where to Draw the Line by Anne Katherine
"Where to Draw the Line": Good Fences Make Good NeighborsIn the perennial favorite "Boundaries," Anne Katherine introduced the concept and importance of personal limits.
In "Where to Draw the Line," she takes the next step with a practical guide to establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in a wide range of situations.
With every encounter, we either demonstrate that we'll protect what we value or that we'll give ourselves away. Healthy boundaries preserve our integrity.
Unlike defenses, which isolate us from our true selves and from those we love, boundaries filter out harm.
This book provides the tools and insights needed to create boundaries so that we can allow time and energy for the things that matter -- and helps break down limiting defenses that stunt personal growth.
Focusing on every facet of daily life -- from friendships and sexual relationships to dress and appearance to money, food, and psychotherapy -- Katherine presents case studies highlighting the ways in which individuals violate their own boundaries or let other people breach them.
Using real-life examples, from self-sacrificing mothers to obsessive neat freaks, she offers specific advice on making choices that balance one's own needs with the needs of others.
Boundaries are the unseen structures that support healthy, productive lives. "Where to Draw the Line" shows readers how to strengthen them and hold them in place every day.
4. Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents by David M. Allen
"Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents: Do you have a parent who is invalidating, critical, demanding, or hateful? In this important and much-needed guide, you’ll learn how to set boundaries; uncover the hidden motives behind your parent’s behavior; put a stop to repetitive, hurtful interactions; and foster healthier relationships.
There’s no sugarcoating it—if you grew up with a parent who made you feel invalidated or unloved as a child, your pain is very real.
In some cases, you may decide that you want to remove this parent from your life, and that is a valid choice.
But for many people, dealing with a problem parent becomes a necessary part of life, for whatever reason. If you’re one of these people, this book can help.
Written by a psychotherapist and expert in relationships, Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents will help you develop unique assertiveness strategies based on the characteristics of your own family dynamics.
You’ll learn powerful communication skills to help you build boundaries and put a stop to your parent’s hurtful behavior. And, most importantly, you’ll learn to advocate for your own needs.
If you’ve “had it up to here” with a parent who makes you feel as though you’re just not good enough, this invaluable guide can help you put an end to toxic interactions while maintaining peace in your family.
5. Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown
"Children of the Self-Absorbed: It took me two weeks to read this book carefully. I thought it was just an ordinary book similar to Chicken Soup for the Soul. After reading it, I realized that it is actually a very practical book that can heal wounds or a kind of parenting book.
Test questions and various scales, if you carefully complete each of the questions, and carefully read each section of analysis after the questions, you will find that the process of reading this book is also a process of your gradual growth, you will know how to treat your parents and your children.
As adults, we must have thought about the question of "why we become ourselves" at some point.
Many people say that genetics are really amazing. You don't like the way your parents treat you, but you accidentally treat your children in the same way or go to another opposite extreme.
"Children of the Self-Absorbed" analyzes in detail each character, the influence of parents on you, and how you can avoid being hurt.
The most influential aspect of this book is that I should start to learn to do what I like and know how to say no to what I don’t like to do. I have always felt that the greatest happiness in life is "I can always show the state of what I should do".
In fact, many of us can't be so free and easy in many cases. You find yourself often doing things that go against your original intention.
In things, our brains are imperceptibly subjected to a strange force to urge us to do it (in fact, no one coerces you at all), and when we do it, we feel restless and painful.
It turns out that this situation comes from the influence of your original family, from your parents. If you don’t gradually change yourself fundamentally to guide your children, this kind of influence will continue to the next generation or even a few years later. generation.
This fully proves that the so-called "character inheritance" of children is actually the influence of acquired parents on children.
Through the book "Children of the Self-Absorbed", we understand that "parents not only give us love, but may also hurt us", and knowing the aspects of parents' influence on our character development,
we can use some of the ideas in this book Skills to successfully resolve the conflicts between ourselves and our parents, and better handle the relationship with parents, with oneself, and with others.
6. Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown
"Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed: Growing up with a parent who is self-absorbed is difficult, and they may become more difficult to deal with as they age.
This essential book shows how to cope with your aging parent's narcissistic behavior, and provides tips to help protect yourself and your children from their self-absorbed, destructive actions.
As your self-absorbed parent grows older and becomes more dependent on you, hurtful relationships may resurface and become further strained.
In the tradition of Children of the Self-Absorbed, author Nina Brown offers the first book for adult children of aging narcissistic or self-absorbed parents.
You will learn practical, powerful strategies for navigating the intense negative feelings that your parents can incite, as well as tips to protect your children from the criticism, blame, or hostility that may exist between you and their grandparents.
In this book, you will gain greater awareness of how and why your parent's self-absorbed behaviors and attitudes get worse and develop strategies to manage the negative feelings that can arise as a result.
You'll also learn to reduce the shame and guilt that may be felt when you feel like you don't want to be a caretaker.
Finally, you'll learn to set limits with your parent so you can stay sane during this difficult time.
Having an aging parent can be stressful enough, but dealing with an aging narcissistic or self-absorbed parent is especially challenging. This essential guide will help you through.
7. Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents by Allison Bottke
"Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents: This important book from the author of Setting Boundaries® with Your Adult Children (more than 40,000 sold) will help adult children who long for a better relationship with their parents but feel trapped in a never-ending cycle of chaos, crisis, or drama.
With keen insight and a passion for empowering adult children, Allison charts a trustworthy roadmap through the often unfamiliar territory of setting boundaries with parents while maintaining personal balance and avoiding burnout.
Through the use of professional advice, true stories, and scriptural truth, readers learn how to apply the "6 Steps to SANITY":
- S- STOP your own negative behavior
- A- ASSEMBLE a support group
- N- NIP excuses in the bud
- I- IMPLEMENT rules and boundaries
- T- TRUST your instincts
- Y- YIELD everything to God
8. Healthy Boundaries by Chase Hill
"Healthy Boundaries: Do you ever wonder what it would be like if the people you care about respected your personal space?
Do you wish that there was an easy way to say “No” every time you don’t want to say “Yes”?
Or do you simply want to pursue self-love and not feel guilty about it?
If this is you, then you’ve probably had moments of trying to please others - often, to your own detriment.
Perhaps you have the inability to say “No” because you don’t want to disappoint or anger the other person… leading you to do things you never wanted to do in the first place…
If this happens too often, eventually, people will start taking you for granted - and you won’t be taken seriously even when you try to say “No.”
What’s worse, when you do try to set up boundaries, people will label you as mean or moody. It will seem impossible to make people respect your decisions without starting a conflict.
But there’s a simple way to solve your problems!
You can start doing what YOU want to do.
You don’t have to compromise your individuality just to be “considerate” of others.
You can set healthy boundaries, and make your friends, family, and parents respect that boundaries.
In Healthy Boundaries, here’s just a taste of what you’ll discover:
- A step-by-step guide to setting healthy personal boundaries without starting an argument
- 5 dangerous mistakes you must avoid when setting boundaries
- The secret to saying “No” without feeling guilty - and without being misunderstood
- How to stop constantly apologizing, and find out when you should and shouldn’t be sorry
- 10 debilitating myths that are stopping you from setting up boundaries - and how to troubleshoot them
- How to detoxify your emotions and release toxicity from your system like a breath of fresh air
- How to handle these 6 different relationship types (you’re in one of them right now)
- A clear path to give you the freedom to love yourself, follow what YOU want, and prioritize yourself
And much more.
Setting up boundaries isn’t about being rude: it's about acknowledging that your well-being comes first.
When you feel good, everything around you will be affected positively - including the people you care about.
You don't have to shield everyone else from pain anymore - realize that you’re the one who’s hurting, and do something about it.
9. Boundaries with Parents and In-Laws by Micah Stephens
"Boundaries with Parents and In-Laws: A small but concise booklet on how to eliminate drama by setting boundaries with troublesome behavior.
No matter if your parents or in-laws are healthy or toxic, these guidelines will protect you from disrespectful, devaluing, and controlling behaviors that add so much stress and tear apart marriages.
Be warned, your relationships with your parents and in-laws will either be strengthened or fall apart from using these guidelines, depending on whether they are healthy enough to be in your life.
10. Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children by Allison Bottke and Carol Kent
"Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: What parent doesn’t want their children to grow up to be happy, responsible adults? Yet despite parents’ best efforts, most heartfelt prayers, and most loving environments, some kids never successfully make the transition to independently functioning adulthood.
Following her own journey, Allison Bottke developed a tough-love approach to parenting adult children that helps both you and your child by focusing on setting you free from the repeated pain of your adult child’s broken promises, lies, and deception.
Setting Boundaries® with Your Adult Children offers practical hope and healing through S.A.N.I.T.Y.—a six–step program to help parents regain control in their homes and their lives.
- S = STOP Enabling, STOP Blaming Yourself, and STOP the Flow of Money
- A = Assemble a Support Group
- N = Nip Excuses in the Bud
- I = Implement Rules/Boundaries
- T = Trust Your Instincts
- Y = Yield Everything to God
As you love your child with arms and hearts wide open, know that no matter what happens you are never alone. God is in control and will be with you.
Top Books on Setting Boundaries with Parents
Parents and family relationships are the interpersonal relationships we are born with, and as a kind of interpersonal relationship, we need to have a healthy way of getting along.
From the beginning, the author made a clear point:
Only when you set limits with your parents can you truly grow up?
The first relationship we face when we are born is the love between our parents, and at different ages, we get along with our families in different ways.
For example, when we are young, we rely on our parents in all aspects of life. At this time, we need to pay attention to the fact that children also have boundaries; when we start school, we will be exposed to other types of interpersonal relationships; during adolescence, we will develop a sense of privacy.
As adults, the way we get along with our parents will also change, and our relationship with our parents is constantly changing.
Whether you're looking for practical advice, personal stories, or a more theoretical approach, there are likely few books on setting boundaries with controlling parents on this list that resonate with you.
If you're looking for guidance on setting boundaries with your children, there are many excellent books available on the subject.
Here are some popular books on boundaries for parents that you may want to consider: