Book Review: Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Welcome to our book review of "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend!
Only when you and your mate know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can you give yourself freely and lovingly to one another?
This unabridged audio version of Boundaries in Marriage gives you the tools you need.
Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the award-winning best-seller Boundaries, show you how to apply the principles of boundaries to your marriage.
This long-awaited book helps you understand the friction points or serious hurts and betrayals in your marriage -- and move beyond them to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy you both long for.
Book: Boundaries in Marriage
- Originally published: 1999
- Authors: Henry Cloud, John Townsend
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| Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend |
About the Authors: Henry Cloud and John Townsend
They are popular speakers, well-known authors, and licensed psychologists in the United States, co-host the nationally broadcast psychological counseling program "New Life Live" (New Life Live), and also co-organize seminars, research centers, and church training groups.
The two graduated from the same Rosemead Graduate School of Psychology with a doctorate in clinical psychology.
They also jointly opened a psychological counseling clinic in Newport Beach, California.
They are the authors of many best-selling books, including "Too Much", "Setting Boundaries for Kids", "Setting Boundaries for Dating", and more.
Book Review
Marriage - two independent individuals can come together and become one! Only when you and your spouse understand and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can you give freely and love each other.
Here, this book will provide the guidance you need. Henry Crowder and John Townsend, the famous authors and counselors of the award-winning bestseller "Too Much Is Too Little", teach you how to apply the principle of setting boundaries to your marriage life.
This long-awaited masterpiece will help you gain a deeper understanding of the friction, hurt, and betrayal in marriage - and transcend these to achieve the mutual care, respect, and trust that both parties desire.
A perfect couple? A bad couple? - The story of two couples Recently, I (Dr. Townsend) had dinner with two couples of my friends. Both of them had been married for more than 40 years, which is what people generally call the "golden years".
Of course, we hope that at this stage, the intimate love and hard-built relationship over the years can reach a satisfying depth, but the different performances of these two couples amazed me.
Harold and Sarah Let's start with Harold and Sarah. That evening, I was enjoying a buffet, where each course was selected by a ticket.
The dinner went smoothly and it was almost time for dessert. Harold reached into his shirt pocket to pull out the dessert ticket.
He waved the ticket in front of Sarah and casually said, "Sarah, dessert!" He did not say, "Sarah, please help me with dessert?" Or, "Honey, do you want me to help you with dessert?" Harold was confident that Sarah would obey his brief instructions.
I was speechless for a moment and could only watch the situation unfold. Apparently, Sarah was a little embarrassed by Harold's public display of his husbandly authority. She sat for a few seconds, thinking about what to do, then mustered up her courage and said calmly and forcefully, "Why don't you go get it yourself?" Harold looked surprised and was obviously not used to his wife not following his orders.
However, he pretended to be calm and made fun of the arrogance of some women, and then left the table to get dessert. At this time, Sarah said to me, "I'm so sorry, this time with friends here, I really can't stand it anymore."
I felt sorry for Sarah. Her reaction to her husband tonight turned out to be an exception, not the norm. In a sense, Harold and Sarah were husband and wife in name only, and they were not in the same mind at all.
Frank and Julia Frank and Julia are different. Once I went on a long trip and they were responsible for hosting me. After dinner, I went home with them to chat.
Not long after, I got up and prepared to go back to the hotel. I needed a car to take me. Julia also works in psychological counseling. She arranged my trip and was responsible for the pick-up.
However, Frank looked at his wife and said, "Honey, you're tired. Let me take John." The expression on Julia's face revealed that she was struggling between responsibility and the need for rest. Finally, she said, "Okay, thanks." Frank took me with him.
At the meeting the next day, I mentioned Julia Frank's thoughtfulness the night before and the struggle she had expressed at that time. She said, "It wasn't like this before.
When we were young, he would never suggest this, and I would never accept it. We spent a long time communicating, and I was determined not to follow through. At one point, we almost got divorced.
Those days were really hard to bear, but fortunately, the hard work finally paid off. Now it's hard for us to imagine life without each other." I can see from them that Frank and Julia are in tune with each other and have a deep emotional connection.
Boundaries and: China and the United States Although both couples have been married for a long time, their love relationships are very different. Harold and Sarah cannot love each other more deeply and resonate with each other because Harold controls Sarah and Sarah allows him to control her.
Their main problem is what is called a boundary conflict, in which one party crosses the other's zone of responsibility and dignity. When one party suppresses the other, love cannot grow deeper and more fully because there is no freedom.
Frank and Julia almost followed suit. As far as I know, this couple was stuck in a similar situation early on, with Frank in the upper hand and Julia following suit. However, she took the initiative to face the problem, set limits, and saw the results, and the marriage began to grow.
Obviously, they both suffered the consequences of their early interaction patterns in their marriage. Unfortunately, the first couple had a sad ending, while the other had a happy ending.
If you are reading this book, marriage is probably very important to you. You may be happily married and want to keep it. Or you may be struggling and facing some problems, big or small.
Or you may be single and want to prepare for marriage. Or you may be divorced and want to avoid the same mistakes.
The greatest desire and wish of most of us is to spend our lives with the one we love. Marriage is one of the greatest gifts God has given to mankind and it is the secret of two people becoming one.
Marriage is primarily about love. Marriage combines the care, needs, companionship and values of two people.
Such a union overcomes hurt, immaturity, and selfishness, producing better results than either could produce alone. Love is at the heart of marriage. It is also at the center of God.
When two people can freely express their different opinions, they can love each other freely.
To live in fear is to kill love.
However, love alone is not enough. A marriage relationship needs other elements to grow and thrive. These elements are freedom and responsibility. When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love. When they are not free, they live in fear, and love dies. "There is no fear in love.
"Love can flourish when two people share responsibility, put the welfare of the marriage first, and seek the greatest benefit for the marriage.
Otherwise, when one person resents the excessive responsibility, while the other is relaxed, self-centered, or suppresses the other, the issue of freedom and responsibility in the marriage will cause love to falter. Just as plants grow in bad soil, marriages will be in jeopardy in an unfriendly and hostile atmosphere.
Don't Waste Your Time Setting Boundaries in Marriage is fundamentally about love—enhancing it, developing it, and repairing it.
We want to help you prolong the life of love by providing an ideal environment for love that balances freedom and responsibility. This is where what we call boundaries—personal territory, as it were—come into play.
Enhance love by protecting individuals through psychological boundaries.
A few years ago, we wrote Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life because we saw so many people's lives and spiritual conflicts stemming from a lack of structure and boundaries.
Many people are unable to say no to people who are oppressive or irresponsible, and so they are constantly controlled by the demands placed on them by others.
Since then, however, many people have asked us, "Why don't you just write a book about how to set boundaries in marriage so we can plan ahead." We felt the same way, and so this book was born.
We will soon discuss that the maturity of a person's character is an important factor. As a person's character matures, their ability to accept and set boundaries in marriage also grows. When they resist others saying "no" to them, they are still in the immature stage.
Many people believe that as we grow physically, our mental age automatically grows as well. That is not true. Age is a necessary condition for growth, but it is not sufficient. There are immature older people, and there are also quite a few very mature young people.
Just as Harold and Sarah were still struggling with the initial boundary issues, Frank and Julia have fully entered into a deeper level of love and maturity. What we are saying is that now is the time to face your own marriage boundaries.
As the ancient wise men advised us, "Do not waste your time, because the days are evil" (Ephesians 5:16).
What you do now will affect your marriage in the future, and if you do not act or dare not face the problem, you will also have to bear the consequences in the future. You are either following in the footsteps of Harold and Sarah or following the template of Frank and Julia. You are already halfway there.
You and your spouse may both be very receptive to the idea of setting boundaries for each other, and this open-mindedness will be more effective because you are both in sync in terms of values and personal growth. If your partner is resistant, you can find the right solution.
Overall, we have divided this book into several parts.
Part I, "Understanding Boundaries," helps you review what you already know and how to apply the principles of setting boundaries in your marriage and on yourself.
Part II, "Setting Boundaries in Marriage," discusses the necessity of two independent individuals connecting in a marriage, the basic elements of marriage boundaries, and how a couple can jointly set boundaries against others and outside influences.
Part III, "Resolving Conflict in Marriage," describes six types of conflict and analyzes how to set boundaries for spouses who accept or resist. Part IV, "Myths of Marriage Boundaries," is about some common phenomena of the widespread misuse or abuse of boundaries.
These sections provide you with many examples and suggestions to help you apply the principles of boundaries in your marriage.
Clarifying misunderstandings However, we want to clarify that the book "Setting Boundaries for Marriage" is not about teaching you how to deal with, change, or even punish your partner.
If you feel that you lack self-sovereignty, the solution is not to learn how to control others, but to learn self-control.
So, don't think that you can tell others to grow up by reading this book. In fact, it is to let you learn to be responsible for yourself, protect yourself well, be able to love others, and at the same time stop expecting to play the hero to save your spouse. This is the best protection for him/her.
Welcome to this book! I hope that no matter what your current marriage situation is, the resources in this book can help you. I hope that after you learn how to say "no" in your marriage life, the responsibility and freedom that follow can deepen your love.
God bless you Dr. Henry Crowder, Dr. John Townsend Newport Beach, Southern California 1999
Since publishing Too Much, we have seen many people struggle to find true love in this fallen world, and in the process, we have also come across many successful cases.
Many couples want to grow, but they find themselves like Adam and Eve, blaming each other when they encounter problems and getting stuck.
But after removing the beam in their own eyes, they begin to take responsibility for their own actions, so that they can love each other more deeply, and they are willing to embark on this continuous growth journey.
Some people face difficult situations and have not been able to take a stand to overcome evil with good in their marriages due to their own weaknesses or other weird teachings.
These people are afraid and full of guilt to say no to marriage killers such as irresponsibility, control or violence, and as a result, harm and evil continue to exist. Then.
They read "Too Much is as Bad as Too Little" and realized that they should firmly resist evil attitudes in order to protect love.
They also mustered up the courage to stand up and follow suit, resist control, and strive to safeguard freedom, responsibility, love, and respect. They turned the situation around in time and saved their marriage.
The example we like to talk about most is that during one of our lectures, a husband came up to me and thanked me.
When we asked him if he had read the book, he replied, "I hadn't read it. My wife read it. When she decided she couldn't stand my childish behavior anymore, I had to change myself and grow. I had to learn not to be so bad (or domineering, or drinking, or other evil things that hurt marriages)."
In many cases, countless boundary warriors have not only saved their marriages but also saved themselves. This is the fruit of peace after discipline. These boundary principles have worked, allowing people to repent and grow.
However, many are resisted and suffer because of it. They may stand up to their spouse who is violent or addicted and say, "You are not doing this right." The evil behavior may stop, but they are rejected by their spouse.
Although such people have gained freedom, they have lost love and need to find love and support from those around them. For these people, our hearts are with you. You imitate Christ and suffer for doing good. May God bless your courage and patience.
But we also need to be alert. Some selfish people abuse the word boundary in order to continue to shift the blame and evade responsibility. They never know how to remove the beam in their own eye and control their own behavior.
Instead, they blame others and try to judge and control others. Before you diagnose others, first check whether you have such a problem. Do not use freedom as an opportunity to indulge in lust.
So, no matter what situation you are in, learn to set boundaries the way God does. He is a strong defender of the good things in life, such as love, forgiveness, freedom, and responsibility.
God wants people to come out of the darkness and live firmly in the light with him, and God's love is always sacrificial, not sacrificial.
Once you have a role model, we are confident that you will be able to set good boundaries in your marriage.
What are Boundaries in Marriage?
"Boundaries for Marriage" will tell you: why boundaries and the "Ten Laws of Boundaries" are the foundation of a happy marriage;
Waiting for third parties to invade; why couples need to set personal boundaries and how to enforce them;
how to set boundaries with a spouse who understands and values boundaries—and a spouse who resists them.
Will help you experience the joys of marriage with your significant other.
You'll learn how to deal with betrayal issues and violated marital boundaries, and develop mutual relationships of love, care, appreciation, and growth.
How important are boundaries in marriage?
For those who don't understand, this is the reason for the failure of the marriage.
What are boundaries in marriage? It is an invisible norm of communication between people, and it is a way of communication that keeps distance in a close way. Boundaries need to be maintained not only between friends and relatives but also between husband and wife.
An important secret to maintaining a marriage is to always pay attention to the boundaries between yourself and others. Many women whose marriages fail, it is precise because they ignore this point that the relationship between husband and wife breaks down.
Many people say that husband and wife are one body and the most intimate people in the world. But no matter how close you are, you still need some personal space.
Some people feel that the other party completely belongs to them when they get married because they can't grasp this point well, so they ask their husbands to report to themselves no matter where they go.
Some people even have a strong desire to control, and every time they get a message for more than a few minutes, they will become suspicious and start calling in a series of fatal calls.
As everyone knows, such a relationship between husband and wife has actually deteriorated. As a wife, too much intrusion into the husband's private space, and even seriously affected the husband's work and life.
No matter who it is, with such high-intensity monitoring every day, it is really hard to breathe. You must know that before you become a husband and wife, you are first of all two independent individuals. It doesn't mean that in the name of love, you can deprive the other party of their freedom.
Everyone will have their own job, their own friends, and their own social circle, life is not only about love, but there are also many other things to face and deal with. Many men file for divorce from their wives just because they can't stand such control and feel that life is too depressing.
Only by respecting each other's normal communication, being independent when it should be independent, being tender when it should be gentle, and giving people freedom and dependence, is the way husband and wife got along before.
In fact, in addition to the husband, the mother-in-law also needs a sense of boundaries. It is said that every family has scriptures that are difficult to recite, but the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a difficult period that every family has to go through.
Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are essentially two people who have no blood relationship but are bound together because of the same man. A daughter-in-law, it is rare to meet a mother-in-law who is amiable and loves herself like a daughter.
But most of the time, there will be more or less friction between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
Some mothers-in-law have a strong desire to control their sons and will regard you as an outsider who came to snatch her son from her. She often interferes too much in your marriage in daily life.
Whether it is the education of the children or the property of the family, she wants to intervene. You feel that she has interfered too much in your life, but because she is an elder, it is difficult to say anything.
In fact, at this time, the best way is to keep a certain boundary with your mother-in-law. Don't rely on too much and have too many hopes, because your mother-in-law is not your biological mother after all.
There is no need to blindly alienate and tolerate, otherwise, it will only make your in-laws think you are a bully. We all live under the same roof, respect and understand each other, and it is good enough not to bother you if you have something to help.
If the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is good, the husband caught in the middle will naturally feel at ease. You must know that in many families, it is because the conflict between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is too sharp that the husband has to reluctantly choose to divorce.
The last thing to do is to maintain a good sense of boundaries with friends, especially friends of the opposite sex.
Before getting married, going out alone with a girlfriend of the opposite sex is not a big deal, after all, everyone is single.
But it’s different after getting married. As a married person, you need to change your identity and consciously keep a certain distance from your previous close friends of the opposite sex. This is not just respected for your partner, but also for your friends. After all, if rumors spread, no one will be injured.
Between friends of the opposite sex, it is a very delicate relationship. Maybe before, you have been with each other for a long time, and it has almost become a habit of each other.
But after marriage, this kind of intimacy no longer applies. If you still encounter something, the first reaction is to go to this so-called male best friend, I believe no man will be able to bear it.
This desire to share and subconsciousness is the expression of no sense of boundaries. Over time, it will also become a hidden crack in the marriage.
As the saying goes, relationships need to be managed carefully, and the same is true for marriage. If you feel that you can sit back and relax just because you have stepped into the palace of marriage, then you are really naive.
In a marriage, nothing is taken for granted, and nothing good happens in vain. If you want a long and happy marriage, you must always keep in mind the importance of a sense of boundaries. Never screw up your married life by crossing a line.
Books similar to Boundaries in Marriage
If you enjoyed "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend and are looking for more books on the topic of relationships and boundaries,. here are a few similar titles that you might enjoy:
- "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman
- "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman
- "The Power of Communication: Skills to Build Trust, Inspire Loyalty, and Lead Effectively" by Helio Fred Garcia
- "The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work" by Terrence Real
