The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown: Book Review & Summary
In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown invites readers to embrace their imperfections and live authentically. The book focuses on letting go of the pressure to be perfect and instead, embracing who we truly are. Through her insightful writing, Brown emphasizes that vulnerability, not perfection, is the key to real connection and happiness.
This book is a guidebook to wholehearted living. Brown introduces ten “guideposts” to help people break free from fear and self-doubt. She argues that true courage comes from accepting our flaws and learning to show up as our authentic selves. It’s about living a life full of compassion, connection, and self-compassion.
One of the major themes in the book is the battle with perfectionism. Brown reveals how the desire to be perfect can lead to a life full of shame, anxiety, and fear. The book offers practical tools for breaking free from this cycle and learning to accept mistakes as part of being human.
The plot of Brown’s work touches on the gifts that come with embracing imperfection, including stronger relationships and a deeper sense of belonging. The idea is simple yet profound: being authentic allows us to experience a fuller, more connected life.
For those looking to dive deeper, the workbook in the anniversary edition of the book provides questions and study prompts. It encourages readers to reflect on their journey toward authenticity and offers a step-by-step approach to living with more heart.
In summary, The Gifts of Imperfection is a must-read for anyone struggling with self-doubt, perfectionism, or a sense of inadequacy. The lessons in this book show that the greatest gift is to accept ourselves as we are, imperfections and all.
Book: The Gifts of Imperfection
"The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown is a powerful guide that encourages readers to embrace their authentic selves by letting go of shame, fear, and perfectionism. It offers practical advice for living wholeheartedly and cultivating self-worth.
- Originally published: August 27, 2010
- Author: Brené Brown
- Genre: Self-help book
About the Author: Brené Brown
Top 5 TED speakers, Brene Brown, one of the most influential women in the United States
She is one of the most popular speakers at the TED conference. Her 2010 speech “The Power of Vulnerability” became one of the top five most popular speeches in TED history, with over 14,000,000 video views.
Professor at the Graduate School of Social Work at the University of Houston, USA. She has collected tens of thousands of true stories of "being yourself" over the past 12 years. She is the first person to study love, belonging, and life from the perspective of vulnerability and shame.
As a thought leader, researcher, and storyteller, her research results have been widely disseminated and have been reported by The Oprah Show, CNN, ABC, NBC, PBS, The Washington Post, and The New York Times.
In 2009, Brene Brown was named one of the "Most Influential Women of 2009" by Houston Women's Magazine, an authoritative American women's publication.
Book Review
I recently learned a new word from Brené Brown, a professor of social work at the University of Houston, in her TED talk: The power of vulnerability.
I say it is new because I have always been deeply rooted in the belief that vulnerability = weakness = injury = pain =... Anyway, it is not a good word with positive energy.
It is the most direct antonym of positive and sunny words such as independence, strength, courage, etc. I don’t want to, let alone allow, and can’t accept that I am vulnerable. I rarely make friends like this.
But Brené’s speech and her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are suddenly loosened the strongest nerve in my brain.
In her view, vulnerability is not weakness, but the courage to face the truest self, and then to face others honestly. It is an essential part of human nature and the foundation for building a sense of belonging and the deepest relationship between people.
Why study fear, vulnerability, and shame?
Brené initially studied human behavior, wanting to find the invisible relationships between people and try to interpret some behavioral patterns, but gradually she found that people have a strong desire for a sense of belonging and a deep fear of the disintegration of relationships. Why? There are two main mentalities behind this - shame and "I'm not good enough".
For example, I am not thin enough, not rich enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough at work, not big enough, etc.
And this kind of "not enough" self-torment is endless and does not distinguish between you and me. It is like a dark cloud hanging over everyone's head, no matter how great the person looks.
We are afraid that once these "not enough" are known by others, the other party will feel that they are very bad, not worth associating with, and no longer like themselves, and we will be isolated and lose a sense of belonging.
And just imagining the possibility of "losing contact" is enough to bring people an unbearable "sense of vulnerability".
To avoid being tortured by such shame and vulnerability, people often choose to transform their "real selves" desperately to become the "ideal self" in the eyes of others ("I'll be whoever or whatever you need me to be, as long as I feel like I'm part of this!").
When they make mistakes or fail to meet the standards, the SHAME button will automatically pop up and say to themselves, "See, you can't even do this", and then there will be endless self-flagellation. For example, a reader left a message saying, "NO ONE in the world hates me more than I hate myself."
Out of curiosity, Brené decided to go back and study fear, shame, and vulnerability. Many people said that you can study other things, such as how to stay optimistic, how to be indomitable, how to strive for progress, and other special topics that can bring hope to people, instead of these topics that sound scary and make people retreat.
According to Brené, telling people what she does is a very quick and effective way to shut up those who come to chat her up. "Hey, what do you do?" "I'm a researcher." "Oh?! What do you study?" (The other party is very interested) "Shame and vulnerability." "WOW...COOL..." Then what? And then there is nothing else...hahahaha...
Jung described shame as a swamp in the soul. Many people want to bypass it and take some "how-to" shortcuts to reach the other side of the light, and then live happily ever after. But Brené thinks this is not feasible.
There are many correct truths in the world, and people are not unaware of them. The overwhelming information tells us how to live a regular life, eat healthily, exercise, and manage time and money properly, but why can't we do it and change it? If you can't do it, you will be anxious.
When you are anxious to the extreme, you will be back to square one, such as using overeating to relieve anxiety, but you are further away from your goal.
Then you will be more anxious because you can't tolerate yourself getting further and further away from your goal, and then you will start overeating again.
This vicious cycle continues. Everyone has a guide to a happy life, but after going around in circles, they find that they are still in the same place, and a happy and meaningful life is still so far away from them.
We just can't act on what we know is best for us. Brené believes that a big reason is that people have not learned to face these obstacles honestly. We need to muster up the courage to walk into this swamp, of course not to set up camp there, but to find a way out of it.
Learning to be vulnerable
Brené said that to establish connections with others, we must allow others to see our true selves (we have to allow ourselves to be SEEN), and this emotional exposure will have risks and a lot of uncertainty, which makes people feel uneasy, anxious, and afraid.
This seems contradictory. To truly expose oneself is to be defenseless and vulnerable. However, if we do not do this, we cannot establish a deep relationship with others.
So, to some extent, this means that we must tolerate our own vulnerability and have the courage to allow ourselves to be hurt (allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open and get hurt rather than closed and protected).
Brené feels that vulnerability is the most accurate measure of courage. She also emphasizes that the word courage comes from Latin, which means: To tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.
"Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, and uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives. And vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage... to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen, to be honest."
Among the people she interviewed, there is a type of people who have a strong sense of love and belonging. They give and love without reservation and do things that are not guaranteed.
They also love themselves and believe that they are worthy of all good things, such as love and belonging. Brené calls these types of people whole-hearted people.
They have the following main characteristics: Courage to be imperfect· Compassion to be kind to themselves and others. Here, we especially emphasize "self-compassion".
For example, if a friend messes up something, you will naturally comfort him by saying "it's okay". But when it comes to yourself, the conversation seems to instantly turn into "How can you be so stupid!" "Are you crazy!" "How could you be wrong!"
In fact, if you think about it carefully, if a person does not have self-compassion and is not honest enough with himself, how can he have real empathy for other people's situations? How can a person who cannot even sympathize with himself sympathize with others?
Ask yourself a question: Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family? Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family?
They were willing to let go of who they thought they SHOULD be to be who they were.
They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful. “
I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.” Being numb to vulnerability… To be honest, typing this paragraph makes me feel so difficult and insecure.
I really want to find a hole to crawl into. I was not educated this way for the past 20 years, and I didn’t live this way.
This society has always instilled that we should be brave, independent, and strong, strive to surpass ourselves and be perfect, be superhumans with three heads and six arms, live a life full of chicken blood, and be invincible cockroaches… It sounds full of temptation! But I want to ask… What if we can’t do it? Oh, sorry, we don't have this option. So gradually,
I had a strong instinct, but lacked the ability and courage to be vulnerable.
I have a strong desire to protect myself. I dreamed that I could be my own "Superman, Spiderman, Popeye, Tinker Bell," arming myself with bulletproof weapons and watertightness. I installed an extremely sensitive "emotional detector" in my body, which would sound an alarm when any negative emotions, such as sadness, withdrawal, or anger, appeared.
I would then extinguish them directly without thinking, or reduce their intensity as much as possible, so as not to fall into any "emotional quagmire," not to let myself "feel" hurt, and not to delve into the causes of these emotional fluctuations.
This reaction speed was unconsciously trained by me to become faster and faster, so that often, before I realized it, these emotions had already been forcibly suppressed, automatically processed, or had simply flashed away, leaving me unable to catch them.
So I thought I rarely felt sad, and became more and more optimistic, less concerned, and more open-minded. But gradually, it became difficult to feel great sorrow, and I rarely felt great joy. I thought this was rational behavior, but Brené reminded me that maybe I was numbing myself.
What? Numbing myself? Tsk tsk… It was very harsh and disgusting. When I almost stopped reading, Brené had already expected that I would have such a reaction, so he said again that you should not take things that make you react so strongly lightly, and you need to think about why you have such a strong reaction (The more entrenched and reactive we are about an issue, the more we need to investigate our responses.)
It’s funny to say that reading The Gifts of Imperfection feels like a patient flipping through another patient’s self-recovery manual, which records her various frustrations, embarrassments, struggles, and collapses, as well as her experience of repeated ups and downs of her condition.
Then, because of the company of another patient, even though I would encounter various moments of resistance and collapse from time to time, I would still say with tears and snot that I would accept the treatment well.
Speaking of numbness, Brené believes that many people will numb their emotions in various ways to avoid feeling vulnerable.
One is a negative reaction (underfunctioning), such as alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling, overeating, etc., and an overactive reaction (overfunctioning), such as keeping oneself very busy, pursuing perfection, turning all uncertainties into certainties, etc., either of which is addictive.
This reminds me of a saying in psychology called: selective amnesia. In TV dramas, the protagonist often loses his memory after a car accident, and all the bad memories before are erased, and only the good ones are remembered. But the problem is that memories may be selectively lost, but people cannot selectively numb their emotions.
You can't make two lists of emotions, one negative and one positive, and then say, I only want to feel positive emotions. People have only one emotional switch.
When a person is numb to vulnerability, they will also lose the proper feeling for positive emotions such as happiness and gratitude.
“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions…..Try to feel the feelings, staying mindful about numbing behaviors, and try to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions.”
There have been times like this, when I asked someone, Hey, this opportunity is great, you may get it! Then the other person waved his hand and said, It’s okay, I don’t like it too much, it’s okay if it happens, it’s okay if it happens, it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t.
In fact, many times, we think that lowering our excitement for something will make us less frustrated when it doesn’t happen, but the fact is that if it doesn’t happen, we will still feel disappointed and sad, but if it does happen, we won’t feel as happy.
Brené encouraged that if you really like it, care about it, and look forward to it, show it (I'm so excited about the possibility.
I'm trying to stay realistic, but I really hope it happens, and if the result is not satisfactory, talk to a friend and say, Hey, do you remember what I told you at that time? It still doesn’t work, I’m so sad now.
"Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."
This is the first time that I feel I can be both vulnerable and strong at the same time.
In Listening to Shame, Brené Brown defines shame as an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Shame creates feelings of fear, blame, and disconnection. It has three characteristics:
- Everyone has shame; only those who lack empathy or interpersonal connection do not feel it.
- Everyone is afraid to talk about it, as it brings discomfort.
- The less we talk about shame, the greater its control over our lives.
Shame is not guilt.
Shame is a focus on the self; guilt is a focus on behavior. Guilt says, "I did something bad." Shame says, "I am bad." Guilt sounds like, "Sorry, I made a mistake," while shame sounds like, "Sorry, I am a mistake."
Guilt (recognizing that "I did something bad") can help us deal with our actions, adjust our behavior, and develop in a positive direction. Shame ("I am bad"), on the other hand, often shifts our attention from the behavior itself to a deep doubt about our self-worth.
This self-doubt can lead to self-destructive behaviors such as substance abuse, depression, violence, and eating disorders.
When we are full of shame or fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others. Shame is strongly linked to violence, aggression, depression, addiction, eating disorders, and bullying.
When faced with shame, most people instinctively adopt one of three strategies:
- Withdraw, hide, silence ourselves, and keep secrets.
- Appease and please, do what others want us to do instead of what we want to do.
- Attack others, gain power over others by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame. This is all too common in online verbal battles.
Brené suggests that if shame is placed in a petri dish, it needs three things to multiply: secrecy, silence, and criticism; but if it is doused with empathy, it will not survive. (If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive.)
So, how do you deal with shame? There are four main steps:
- Learn to identify what messages and expectations trigger shame for them
- Practice critical awareness by reality-checking the messages and expectations that tell us that being imperfect means being inadequate
- Reach out and share stories with people you trust
- Talk about shame bravely (use the word shame, talk about how you're feeling, and ask for what you need.
Before talking to others about the difficult issue of shame, ask yourself: Who to I share with? (Who has earned the right to hear the story?), In general, choose those who are empathetic; otherwise, if you share with the wrong person, his or her reaction will only make your situation worse.
If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm.
The book lists the following six common reactions:
- The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you. She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. Then there is awkward silence. Then you have to make her feel better.
- The friend who responds with sympathy ("I feel so sorry for you") rather than empathy ("I get it, I feel with you, and I've been there"). If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly, throw one of these at it: "Oh, you poor thing." Or the incredibly passive-aggressive Southern version of sympathy: "Bless your heart."
- The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can't help because she's too disappointed in your imperfections. You've let her down.
- The friend who feels uncomfortable with the story you told and doesn’t want to admit that you did something bad. She thinks you are exaggerating and says things like, "You're exaggerating. It’s not that bad!" or "You actually did a good job!" This friend is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually make terrible choices: "You're exaggerating. It wasn't that bad. You rock. You're perfect. Everyone loves you."
- This one seems merged with #4 in your original. Based on your note, it's part of the same reaction. If it's meant to be separate, let me know, and I’ll split it properly.
- The friend who says, "That's nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time!"
In fact, I have seen these reactions in myself and my friends. They are not uncommon, and they are normal. After all, who says we are not imperfect and fragile human beings? It is really not easy to be real and honest.
The empathetic person we need to share with will not be intimidated by our shame, will not try to fix us (this is extremely important!), and will not desperately attach what they think is good to us.
They will only listen quietly, accept and tolerate our imperfections, and have the courage to share their own experiences that make them feel vulnerable and ashamed. They will have the courage to say: "Me too."
Compassion is crucial.
Perfectionism is a kind of self-hypnosis, making us believe that as long as we do things perfectly, we can avoid the pain brought by shame, blame, and criticism as much as possible.
In the society we live in, we are bombarded by advertisements, television, and various media, with no place to hide. Even if we are unwilling, we still unconsciously absorb many so-called perfect standards into our subconscious.
We are told what we should look like, how much we should weigh, what kind of school we should go to, what kind of job we should have, how big our house should be, where we should travel, and even what our parents, partners, and children should look like.
This internalization process is so cunning that we often don’t even realize whether these standards are truly suitable for us. The fact is that nothing in the world is perfect. Faced with these impossible goals, a series of other negative emotions, such as depression, anxiety, or anger, also emerge.
We stand outside our story, hustling for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving.
Brené gave an example about educating children. She explained that we often don’t directly tell children they must be great, but instead do everything we can to "ensure" they are great, making them practice various skills from a young age, ensuring they get into a good university, and helping them find a good job when they grow up. As a result, it has become increasingly difficult for children today to tolerate disappointment or failure.
If we can tell them from the beginning, "You are not perfect, and you are destined to experience many setbacks and failures, and to have a long struggle, but this does not prevent you from being loved, cherished, and having a sense of belonging," the outcome may be very different.
Under the hype of "optimism", people think that everything "should" be fun, efficient, and easy... But this will not make people optimistic, but will lead to pessimism and hopelessness, because when we encounter difficulties and find that some things require a lot of time and energy, we will think: No, this "should" be easy to say, it must not be worth my time and energy; or, I see others do it very easily, I think it is difficult.
After all, I am too stupid..... And the truly optimistic people will actually tell themselves, I know this is not easy, there are many difficulties, but I believe I can overcome it. This is tough, but I can do it.
In short, those who have healthy pursuits also work hard, but they can talk about their imperfections frankly and humbly, and more importantly, they will not easily deny themselves or others because of any setbacks; they try their best to do the best within their reach.
“No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking. Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”
So just let go of trying to be everything to everyone. Stop being a perfectionist, but be an aspiring good-enoughist.
Self-Compassion
Self-compassion in psychology is actually the study of a question: How kindly do people view themselves? But to be honest, it's much easier to accept the imperfections of others than to accept your own.
There are three main aspects to loving yourself:
- Self-kindness: being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism;
- Common humanity: realizing that “you are not alone” and that others may have the same problems as you do;
- Mindfulness: taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated.
I have always been very confident that I am a person who treats myself well, until I took this test: the Self-Compassion test, which consists of only 20 or so simple questions.
The more I took it, the more desperate I became. I especially wanted to pretend that I didn’t understand what those questions were asking. In the end, I mustered up the courage to finish it.
As expected, I got the following answers except for the Common. The score for humanity was relatively high, but the scores for Self-kindness and Mindfulness were both very low.
The score was like a silent accusation: You are not good to yourself! You have no empathy for yourself! You are abusing yourself!
!!!!!! It took me a long time to digest this statement.
Studies show that people who are very empathetic to themselves usually experience less depression or anxiety, are happier and more optimistic, and this can even affect our eating habits and help us lose weight.
This sounds like the opposite of the common belief that we should be strict with ourselves and be self-disciplined, but we must first understand a difference: that is, loving ourselves does not mean indulging ourselves, nor does it mean lowering our standards and turning a blind eye to our shortcomings. Instead, it requires us to be honest with ourselves.
When we do not do well enough, we should not rub salt into our wounds with more severe self-blame and keep suggesting how bad we are.
For example, we all know that we should eat more vegetables and fruits and less sweets, but once we are busy with work, study, or other things, we often fall into the quagmire of self-blame because of stress and eat too much, or don’t exercise or sleep for a few extra hours.
This bad mood brings greater pressure, so we have less motivation to change, and then it repeats itself in a vicious cycle.
If you give yourself a chance to relax, forgive yourself for not being good enough, and encourage yourself like you would a good friend, telling yourself that it is actually no big deal, your mood will become positive, the vicious cycle will stop, and you will be more motivated to do things that we know are good for you (self-compassion is really conducive to motivation).
Psychologists once conducted an experiment in which 84 female college students were invited to do a food taste test. At the beginning of the experiment, they were asked to eat donuts.
The first group of girls was told by the experimenter, "I hope you won't be too hard on yourself. Everyone who takes part in this test will eat something like this, so you don't have to feel bad."
Then in the second round, they were invited to test the taste of candy. The results showed that the first group of girls who had been hinted by positive signals did not eat too much, while the second group who had not been hinted ate more, because they felt bad after eating the donuts that they felt they shouldn't eat, which led to them falling into a venting eating style in the second round. "Emotional eating".
We often say that we should love ourselves and others, but do we really love ourselves?
To care about anyone else = you have to care about yourself.
Postscript:
When I first listened to Brené's speech, I thought it was quite fresh and interesting. I felt that there were many things that I didn't have time to expand on, so I found a book to read. As a result, I found a lot of other supplementary information.
In fact, sometimes I still resisted it, even when I was writing it now. Many of my experiences, let alone telling others, I don't even dare to tell myself.
I vaguely felt that this might be the cause of my illness, but I didn't dare to understand it clearly, for fear that I would be scared by myself, and would have a stronger fear, and would run away, or make up more lies to deceive myself.
But the swamp's statement convinced me that curiosity should be a little more than fear, and Brené's personal practice also gave me great encouragement.
So I seemed to be pulled by an inexplicable force, my hands were tightly held, and I walked slowly, step by step, in this dark tunnel called "self".
I felt that if I kept walking like this, there would eventually be a ray of light or a thousand rays of light. People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
I know that it takes constant practice to go from being aware to actually putting it into practice. In the process, I will definitely experience countless rebounds and collapses, but now I can't wait to write down some of my experiences as an account to myself.
I'm feeling vulnerable. I'm still afraid, but I also feel really brave. Something has changed – I can feel it in my bones.
Book Summary
Brene Brown is really interesting, and I will continue to read her books.
The contents of the book that touched me the most are summarized as follows:
If you want to live your life wholeheartedly, it is crucial to know and understand yourself, but what is more important than this is: love yourself.
I can tell you how a cynical, smart-aleck academic became the one who did the exact thing she always laughed at.
I can tell you candidly how I became who I am today—a middle-aged, resilient, health-conscious, creative, and sensitive spiritual seeker; someone who spends days meditating on things like compassion, love, gratitude, creativity, and authenticity; someone who is happier than I ever thought possible. That's what I call fully engaged living.
When we feel exhausted and overwhelmed, when we feel like we have too much to do and no time to take care of ourselves, the "deep dive" button is a secret switch hidden deep in our hearts.
If you want to know why we are so afraid to show our true selves, we have to recognize the power of shame and fear. If we can't tolerate comments like "you will never be perfect" or "who do you think you are", we can't move forward in a new direction.
Fighting Shame
As the shame overwhelmed me, I lost my footing and felt worthless. I said to myself, "What an idiot I am. Why am I so stupid?"
The best thing about working on shame is that I can detect it immediately. First, I know exactly what happens to me physically when I feel shame—dry mouth, feeling time is frozen, tunnel vision, blushing, a racing heart. These painful reminders replay in my brain in slow motion.
I also know how to deal with these abnormal behaviors: dare to face them! Everyone has a past, and we need someone we trust to share our past experiences. We long for the other person to listen to our stories with kindness. We need courage, kindness, and connection, the sooner the better.
When we dare to talk about our past, shame disappears. It fears not being told. Once shared, it cannot survive. Shame likes to hide in corners. The most terrible thing is that when we feel shame, we always tend to bury it in our hearts.
Once we remain silent, shame will spread. I have to warn myself loudly: "I have to talk to someone right now! Brynn, be brave!"
But the hardest thing about kindness and connection is that we can’t just talk to anyone. It’s not easy. I have a lot of good friends, but only a few of them are willing to practice kindness with me when I feel ashamed.
The root of courage is cor, which means "heart" in Latin. The word "courage" originally had a variety of meanings. Its earliest meaning was "speaking your mind openly", but over time, this meaning has changed. Today, the word "courage" is closer to "heroic". Heroic is certainly important, and we do need heroes.
However, we seem to have moved away from the original meaning of "courage", which is to open up to others about your inner thoughts, feelings, and experiences (whether good or bad). Heroic character often puts our lives on the line, while ordinary courage is to show our vulnerability. In today's society, being vulnerable means something special.
After doing a lot of interviews, it occurred to me that many kind people were actually very good at setting boundaries. Being kind meant setting boundaries, and I was surprised to find that.
One thing I learned from this is that kindness is, at its core, acceptance. The more we accept ourselves and others, the kinder we become.
Of course, it’s hard to accept people who hurt, take advantage of, or treat us badly, but this research tells me that if we really want to practice kindness, we have to set boundaries and hold others accountable for their actions.
As long as we let go of other people's opinions and be content with our true selves, we can find self-worth, feel that we are complete enough, and recognize that we deserve love and belonging.
If our behavior does not meet the expectations of others, we often move away from our true selves and cater to the expectations of others to gain recognition of our self-worth.
Self-worth is an important factor that helps us have love and belonging, and it exists precisely in our life stories.
The greatest challenge we face is to believe that we are valuable right now, at this very moment. A sense of value requires no prerequisites.
The real core of fully engaged living is this: the value of the present moment has no preconditions or "when." We are worthy of love and belonging "right now," at this moment, and that's it.
Looking back over 10 years of interviews, it took me three years to come up with the following definitions of love and belonging:
When we reveal our most vulnerable and powerful selves to others, when we interact with others with trust, respect, affection, and love, and cherish the spiritual connection between each other, we have love.
Love is not something we give or get. It is a seed that exists in a person's heart, and then it is slowly nurtured and grows to form a connection between two people. Only when we love ourselves can we love others.
Shame, blame, contempt, betrayal, and reserved emotions all hinder the growth of love. Love can only survive when these obstacles are acknowledged, repaired, and weakened.- Sense of belonging -
A sense of belonging is an innate human desire to be part of something greater than ourselves. Instinctively, we often seek a sense of belonging by adapting to the environment and seeking recognition from others, but neither adaptation nor recognition can replace a sense of belonging. Instead, they become an obstacle to truly gaining a sense of belonging.
We can only gain a sense of belonging when we show our true, imperfect selves. Self-acceptance is more important than a sense of belonging.
If you look at the definition of love and think about it in terms of self-love, love is actually a very clear thing. Self-love means learning to trust yourself, respect yourself, be kind to yourself, and love yourself. But this is a difficult task because most of us are very hard on ourselves.
I say harsh things to myself that I would never say to anyone else. Many of us can immediately think of things we often say to ourselves, such as "Oh my god, I am such a fool," and "Oh my god, why am I so stupid."
Just as calling someone we love "idiots" or "stupid" is contrary to the practice of love, saying these harsh things to ourselves will also affect our love for ourselves.
Love is an action
If love is viewed as an action rather than a feeling, many people will automatically assume that love is a responsibility.—Bell Hooks, American feminist writer
About Shame: Fear of Not Being Loved by Others
Here are three things you need to know about shame:
- Everyone has a sense of shame. Shame is very common, and it is the most primitive human emotion. People who have not experienced shame cannot empathize and cannot establish connections with others.
- We are all afraid to discuss shame.
- The less we talk about shame, the more it controls our lives.
At its core, shame is the fear that others don’t love you — the exact opposite of owning your life and having a sense of self-worth. In fact, I came up with this definition of shame from my own research:
Shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience in which we feel that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
If shame wants to control our lives, it must meet three conditions: concealment, silence, and judgment. When shame arises and we are unwilling to speak out, the shame will intensify, gradually deteriorate, and eventually devour us.
We should share our stories with others. Shame arises between people, but it is also eliminated between people. If we can find a trusted friend to confide our stories, we can speak out about our shame. Once you open your mouth, shame will lose its power.
Only in this way can we reclaim the wasteland of the past and let go of shame. To take control of our own lives, we must cultivate the resilience of shame.
After 10 years of research, I have discovered four factors that contribute to resilience in people who are struggling with shame:
- Understand shame and be able to identify the triggers of shame.
- Look at problems critically. Imperfection does not mean not good enough.
- Share your story with someone you trust and speak it out.
- Talk about shame bravely - be able to express your feelings and express your needs.
If you want to build resilience to stand up to shame and come to terms with your past, start by asking yourself the following questions. Your answers may change your life:
- What kind of person do you become when you retreat into your corner of shame?
- How do you protect yourself?
- Who do you talk to when you are struggling to overcome your tendency to talk back, cry in secret, and please others?
- What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever done for yourself when you were feeling small and hurt?
We can’t just tell anyone how we feel. It’s a privilege to have our stories heard. Before we share our stories, we must ask ourselves, “Who has the right to hear my stories?” We are lucky to have one or two friends who can sit down and listen to our shameful experiences and love us for our strengths and weaknesses.
We are extremely lucky to have a friend, a group of friends, or a family who can embrace our imperfections, strengths, and vulnerabilities and make us feel like we belong.
We don't need to get love and belonging from everyone, and we can't attract everyone to listen to our stories, but at least there is someone worth telling.
If we have such confidence or a few friends, the best way to identify this connection with others is to recognize our own self-worth.
If we build relationships based on love, belonging, and existing experiences, we need to start from the same place: the belief that I am valuable.
People often wish they could start their lives over again because they want more, thinking that they can do whatever they want and be happier. But the reality is just the opposite.
You must first be your true self, and then do what you really want to do, and then you can have everything you dream of.—Margaret Young
“The Real You” vs “The Unreal You”
Before I started my research, I tended to divide people into two categories: authentic and inauthentic. Authenticity is not a quality that everyone possesses. In everyday life, we often hear people say, "She is a very authentic person."
However, as I immersed myself in the research and tried to reflect on my own life, I realized that authenticity is not a quality that we can possess, but a practice, that is, consciously choosing how to live our lives.
Authenticity is a series of choices we make every day, a choice to be self-expressive and honest.
Some people consciously try to be authentic, while others don’t. Some people sometimes show their true selves, while others don’t. Even when I know authenticity well and I try to be authentic, when self-doubt and shame set in, I can sell myself out and become whatever others want me to be.
Choosing truth makes us hopeful, but also exhausted. We are hopeful because we value the value of truth, and almost everyone wants to be friendly, warm, down-to-earth, honest, and reliable; we are exhausted because we think without thinking that in an environment of vanity and comparison, it is a difficult task to remain true.
Given the enormity of the task—being authentic in an environment that demands you fit in and please others—I used my research to develop a concept of authenticity as a touchstone.
What exactly is authenticity? What are the ingredients that make up your authentic self? Here’s the concept I came up with:
Authenticity is a life practice where we don’t need to live according to others’ expectations but rather embrace our true selves.
Choosing true means:
- Bravely accept your own imperfections and vulnerabilities, and draw boundaries.
- Kindness comes from recognizing that we are shaped by our own strengths and vulnerabilities, and practicing it.
- We can only have connection and belonging when we believe we are good enough.
Being authentic requires us to live and love with our whole selves—even when life is hard, even when we are drowning in shame and fear that we are not good enough.
Carefully practicing authenticity in your deepest self-reflection is a powerful way to live a life filled with compassion, joy, and gratitude.
Careful readers may notice that many topics in the following 10 chapters on “Gifts” are intertwined with this concept.
All gifts are closely linked to each other, and the content described is both decomposed and integrated. On the one hand, it helps us understand how they work individually and how they form a combined force.
On the other hand, it helps us understand the importance of concepts such as “perfectionism” (which will be discussed in the second half of this book) and what are the factors that prevent us from fully engaging in life.
Choose Real
Choosing to be authentic is not an easy thing. American poet EE Cummings once wrote: "To be yourself and no one else, to be yourself in a society that tries so hard, day and night, to make you like everyone else, means you have to fight the hardest battle of mankind, a battle that will never end." "Keeping it authentic" will be one of the bravest battles we will ever have to fight.
When we are honest with ourselves, people around us will inevitably be curious about how and why we have changed. Your partner and children may be intimidated, unsure if the changes they see in you are real.
Family and friends may worry about how your honest expression will affect them and your relationship. Some people will be inspired by our changes, while others may think we have changed too much or even reject them.
Rather than calling it “authentic expression” that challenges the status quo, it’s better to call it “fearless authenticity.” It can also trigger our shame when it’s viewed by most as overly self-indulgent and self-focused. No one wants to be called selfish or narcissistic for being authentic.
When I first began to be mindful of expressing my authenticity and self-worth, it felt like I was being met with so many obstacles every day that shouted at me loudly and relentlessly:
- “What if I feel that I am perfect and others are not?”
- “What if no one likes me when I reveal my imperfect self?”
- “What if my friends/family/coworkers prefer the perfect me, the one who does everything perfectly?”
Sometimes, when we push for a systemic reshaping, it can backfire on us. This backlash can be anything from eye-rolling to whispers to tangled relationships and feelings of isolation. The voice of our inner truth is inevitably met with cruelty and shame.
When I researched authenticity and shame, I found that for women, speaking up can easily lead to feelings of shame. Here are some of the struggles some respondents encountered when expressing their truth:
- Don't make others feel uncomfortable, but be honest.
- Don’t be a dampener or hurtful to others, but speak your mind honestly.
- Make others think that you are knowledgeable and well-educated, but don’t pretend that you know everything.
- Don’t talk about unpopular or controversial topics, but dare to disagree with everyone’s opinions.
I also found that people struggle when they find their opinions, feelings, and beliefs conflict with the dominant culture’s gender expectations.
For example, research related to “femininity” found that the most important traits for women are thinness, beauty, and modesty, which means that if women want to be discreet, they must remain as weak, quiet, and attractive as possible.
Research related to "masculinity" shows that the most important traits for men are: emotional control, work priority, dominance over women, and pursuit of status.
This means that if men want to achieve something, they must avoid sentimentality, start working hard to make money, and give up any hope for meaningful connections.
Acting authentically
The fact is, being authentic is not always a safe choice. Sometimes being authentic can be a risk, which means you are stepping out of your comfort zone. Believe me, after stepping out of your comfort zone many times, you will be able to walk freely in other new areas.
When someone is taking a risk, it is easy to attack or criticize them, claiming that their actions are unpopular or inappropriate, or criticizing them for doing something he is not good at.
Cruelty is cheap, easy, and cowardly, especially when you attack or criticize others anonymously - modern high-tech networks provide great convenience for this behavior.
As we struggle with authenticity and bravery, we must remember that cruelty always hurts, even if the criticism is not real.
When we are known for defying society’s expectations, some people feel threatened and seek to hurt us in every way they can—our appearance, our lovability, and even the way we parent our children.
The problem is that when we don’t care what others think and become immune to their hurt, we lose connection with each other. Courage is speaking about our experiences, not being immune to others’ judgments. If we want to connect with others, showing our vulnerability is a risk we must take.
If you are like me, you are afraid to express your authenticity - there are risks in revealing your true self to the outside world, but I believe that it is a greater risk to close off yourself and your innate talents.
The unexpressed thoughts, opinions, and intentions inside us do not disappear into thin air; they fester in the dark and eventually eat away at our sense of self-worth.
I think humans should be born with a warning sign, like the one on cigarette packs - Beware: If you sacrifice authenticity for security, you will experience the following symptoms: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, complaining, resentment, and unexplainable sadness.
There is little value in sacrificing our authentic selves to meet the expectations of others. Yes, being authentic may cause pain to those around us, but ultimately, being authentic is the greatest gift we can give to those we love.
When I don’t live by the expectations of others, I have more time, attention, love, and connection to give to the important people in my life.
I have a hard time being authentic with Steve and my kids, primarily because it takes time, energy, and attention. But Steve, Ellen, and Charlie face the same struggles, and all of us are learning how to be authentic.
An unexpected conclusion from my research is that we tend to numb ourselves to reduce pain. Emotions wax and wane, and when we reject negative emotions, we actually reject feelings of joy, gratitude, and happiness. When I numb myself to pain and vulnerability, I also inadvertently dull my sensitivity to joy.
Inspiration: While it was not an easy process to resurrect my spirit and faith (as was the “2007 breakdown” in therapy), the following quote really opened my heart, and it comes from a quote in Anne Lamott’s book: “The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.” She has written many books on faith and kindness that have been very inspiring to me.
Also, Sue Monk Kidd’s When the Heart Waits and Bhikkuni Pema Chodron’s Comfortable with Uncertainty have saved me.
I love this quote from author Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist: “Intuition is the soul’s momentary immersion in the life of the universe in the present moment, in which all of human history is connected and from which we can understand everything because it is written there.”
I have discovered the creativity of people who live their lives with all their heart and love with all their strength:
- I am not a creative person" is meaningless. There are no "creative people" or "non-creative people" in the world. There are only "people who use their creativity" and "people who do not use their creativity". Unused creativity will not disappear out of thin air. It will live in our hearts until one day it is expressed, or directly ignored, or controlled by resentment and fear.
- Our unique contribution to the world comes from our creativity.
- If you want to live a meaningful life, create art, cook, write, doodle, paint, scrapbook, take photos, make collages, knit, build motorcycles, carve, dance, decorate, act, sing - it's all fine. As long as we are creating, we are starting a meaningful life.
I also realized that all I can do is work creatively. Writer William Plomer saw creativity as “the power to connect seemingly disconnected things.” My job is to connect ideas, so part of the transformation I went through was celebrating the creativity that was still alive inside of me.
Let go of comparison and take it off your “to-do” list. For most of us, the comparison mentality requires constant vigilance. It is easy to lose track of ourselves by focusing on how others are ahead or behind us.
Creativity is an expression of our originality; it clears our minds and leads us to a world of pure originality and non-comparison. Without comparison, words like “ahead”, “behind”, “best”, and “worst” lose their meaning.
Digging Deeper into DIG
Consideration: If creativity becomes a luxury or a choice you make in your spare time, then it will never be cultivated. Every week, I make time to take and process some photos, make short videos, and complete art assignments with my children. When I make creativity a present thing, my life becomes much more enjoyable.
Inspiration: Nothing inspires me like friendship. I take a long weekend every year to talk to artists, writers, and photographers I’ve met online. It’s so important to find a group of like-minded people who share your spiritual perspective and share your vision for creativity.
Action: Take a course. If you feel vulnerable, your life is lackluster, and you feel like you're not perfect enough, take a course to recharge. Many great online courses on the market can be taken on your own time. Find something you've never dared to try or have always dreamed of trying. You never know where the source of inspiration for your creativity will be.
How would you dig deeper?
Every semester, I share a quote from theologian Howard Thurman with my graduate students that I’ve always held as a golden rule, but I’ve taken it to a new level now that I understand the importance of meaningful work in life: “ Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you excited, and then do it. Because the world needs excited people. ”
Dance as if no one is watching; sing as if no one is listening. Love as if you have never been hurt; live as if this world is your paradise.—Mark Twain
The keyword associated with the gift in this chapter is betrayal. When we put on the mask of "playing cool" and let the desire to "control everything" prevent us from expressing our passionate, clumsy, and sincere selves, we are betraying ourselves. When we betray ourselves again and again, we will also betray the people we love.
Once we cannot give ourselves freedom, we naturally cannot tolerate the freedom of others. We intentionally or unintentionally ridicule others, laugh at others, and sneer at their actions. Sometimes we even humiliate others: "Oh my God, you are so unsophisticated."
The Hopi Indians have a proverb: "Watch us dance, and you will hear our voices." I know how much courage it takes to let others hear your inner voice. We could have laughed, sung, and danced to our heart's content, but we wore a mask of "being cool" and were constrained by the desire to "control everything." Life is too precious to be wasted like this.
No matter how scared we are of changing ourselves, we all ultimately have to answer these questions: What is the biggest risk of change? Do you care more about how others see you, or do you care more about your own feelings, your own beliefs, and your true self?
Conclusion
Learning the main idea of The Gifts of Imperfection can change how you live your life. Brené Brown shows that making mistakes is not failure—it’s part of the story of being human. Every chapter brings a new lesson about accepting yourself, even when you feel unworthy.
This book is not just a summary of ideas; it’s a gift for anyone tired of hiding behind perfection. It feels like a workbook full of questions and real tools that you can use every day. Brown’s message is simple: your life doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.
If you’re struggling with shame, comparison, or fear of not being enough, this anniversary edition is worth reading. It’s about moving from “What will people think?” to “I am enough.” That’s the biggest gift Brown gives us across these pages.
Whether you're reading it for a book club, writing an essay, or doing a study for yourself, the overview makes it clear: the theme is courage, connection, and compassion. The plot of real life is messy, and that's exactly what makes it worth living.
Brené Brown’s work reminds us that we are all imperfect, but that’s what makes us real. Accepting this truth is not easy, but it is the start of something honest, strong, and free. That’s the true gift hidden in every imperfect moment.
